A Time For Everything

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

As I was praying about sharing my past few days with you, I prayed that God would give me the words and open the door. Meaning, that He would give me the words to not just explain the events that have occurred, but also my feelings, and also to fully express how good God is and bring glory to Him through it all. I also prayed that He would open the doors - open doors to your hearts as you read this. Maybe you have been through this and will find some comfort. Maybe you will walk away with a deeper sense of reverence for our Lord.

So as I prayed, the verses in Ecclesiastes came to mind. Well, I guess I should fill you in from top to bottom - or from Friday morning to right now.

My alarm went off at 6:41am Friday morning and it was time to get ready for work. Ok, who are we kidding - I reset my alarms and was going to sleep for another ten minutes. I like my sleep! As I laid back down, I noticed abdominal pain. It was not getting any better. I sat back up and realized I could not sit directly on my butt as it sent pain inside me. I thought maybe I had to poop, and so I went to the bathroom. I did poop, but it did not help the situation. I ended up in the office, on the floor, in a ball on my knees. I finally figured out this was not right, nor was it getting better. I went and woke Evan up (he had already had the day off. Could that have been God??? I think so) and after some discussion and paging of the doctor - we were off.

We dropped Liliana off at my sister's who graciously took her after being told she would have the day off. Then we went to the ER. The ride was not pleasant, I had to sit on the side of my butt and my legs were falling asleep from sitting like that. I could not straighten up, I was walking at a 90 degree, old lady, angle. We get to the ER and get all checked in. I gave a urine sample, they drew blood, and started an IV. When the doctor came in, I told him my symptoms (now keep in mind, I did not realize ANY tests were run as all my samples were next to me yet) and he said: "well, I have some news for you." He had not even touched me at this point and I have to tell you, I was a little nervous that he knew what was wrong and had not even examined me. Anyway, "well, I have some news for you - you're pregnant." "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" He said he would not joke about something like that. I laughed, out loud...for minutes. Actually, almost the whole day. SO many people had been asking me over the past few weeks if I was pregnant and I assured them I was not. HA. So he ran some blood work to check my hormone levels to see how far along the pregnancy was - turns out it was a very early pregnancy of 2-3 weeks along.

Next, the same ole story - I had the pleasure of receiving a catheter and off to ultrasound I went. The lady filled my bladder and started the ultrasound - both external and then emptied my bladder and did the internal ultarsound. Oh my goodness, the pain. The tears were just flowing out my eyes. Usually I just take the pain and don't say anything, but I actually asked at one point if she was almost done. I almost jumped off the table a few times.

After that, I waited for the results. The doc came back in and said blah blah blah - it is a very early pregnancy so they could not see anything other than some fluid that is most likely from a ruptured cyst - which is more painful than previous cysts because I was pregnant, there was more blood flow...making it more painful when it burst. My discharge instructions were to have repeat blood work drawn in a few days to make sure my hormone levels were rising as they should. They would be watching to make sure it was not an ectopic pregnancy.

So - we should just keep track here - 1 good needle/IV stick at ER.

On Sunday was when my OB wanted me to have repeat blood work. I get in the lab and tell the lady: "do. not. dig. Just take it out and stick me again. If you dig, you will loose me." She says, "well we don't want that, it's just you and me here." Great, thought we had an understanding. She asked me if I wanted to lay down, I said no - I do just fine, if you do not dig. She pokes. SHE DIGS. SHE DIGS. COME ON...I just told you. She had about 2 seconds left before I took it out myself and then passed out. And she says "I know you told me not to do this but..." and she got it. Lucky her. I could not believe it.

Keeping track? 1 good, 1 bad. 2 sticks, 3 day time frame.

I went to the OB yesterday and my hormone levels significantly dropped indicating a miscarriage. I had my 3 options of what to do and I choose to just have a D&C done...which was schedule for today.

I get all checked in and stripped down at the hospital today and procedures start. I sign several consents as the patient, and then I also sign a consent as the mother inidicating what I want done with the remains. That form seemed to have given me the same erie feeling as last time, I think no matter how many times - it still rates the same...way down there on the charts. Anyway, she had to draw blood and then start an IV.

Track time: 2 good, 1 bad, 1 inbetween. 4 sticks, 5 day time frame.

I finally get wheeled off and placed in the holding area - smallest little space ever. I ended up have another blood draw because the first nurse did not put her initials on the label and the blood bank would no accept the sample.

Tally it up: 3 good, 1 bad, 1 inbetween. 5 sticks, 5 day time frame.

Then I get into the OR. It is always the strangest thing getting put under for surgery. I move over to the teenie tiny bed with a whole in it for my butt. My arms are outstretched to either side of me and strapped down. As soon as I got on the bed I asked if he had given me something in the IV already - he wasted no time at all. They put the oxygen on and I felt the nurse putting booties on my feet - or something - and then I was dreaming or who knows what and I felt them pull the intubation tube out and I was up. I was being wheeled to recovery and I saw my doctor there talking to me - like a dream. I asked (or thought I asked) what time it was and someone said 11 - which was probably actually the time I went in and so I thought it was done REALLY fast. I did say, that was really fast and she said it did go fast and everything went well. I heard her tell me she talked to my husband and she had a work note for me. Then I was talking to a nurse. I asked what time it was...again, she said 12:30pm. OH. Now I am sitting there extremely confused. So, I asked how long I had been in recovery. She said about 8 minutes. Ok, now I think I am more confused. I finally realized that I do not think I asked initially what time it was out loud - or no one heard me, and I heard the nurses say 11...probably the little nook number I was going to. I told the nurse that last time I went through this, I was not woken up so quickly - she said, "Yeah, sometimes they slap you in the face and wake you up real fast." (totally joking, but saying they do sometimes get you up right away.) I apologized for asking her the same question so many times, it was like twilight or something for me. But she said I came out of it just fine, when I got in recovery I was all like "HI!" Turns out the Lord really does watch over us from start to finish (duh) - I had a Christian nurse in the recovery room and we had some good conversation and she said she would be praying for me.

Ok - so blah blah blah, I am home now. I did not stay long at all after the surgery. I will say that were the IV was on my hand there is now a bump and it is sore - that would have been the inbetween stick. I think I will chalk it up to a bad stick. :)

The feelings/emotions: well, I know there is a time for everything. There was a time for life, and a time for death. It is interesting how sometimes we have to say goodbye to people who we have known for so long and they are at the end of their life..and now twice I have had to say goodbye to my babies who would have been just starting out - but, the love and hurt in our hearts are no different between the two. I had a time to be excited and worried and plan for the future - 9 months away and the inbetween. I guess it is now my time to mourn and heal. I know the Lord has a plan and is in charge of my life, and my children's lives. This time around it is easier: I was not as far along and we have Liliana. I have often said that if I did not miscarry the first time, I am not sure I would have Liliana - so I wonder, who does God have in store for us next? This time around was also harder: now I know what it is to have and to love a child of my own - so the loss cuts much deeper, well - differently. This time around is different. There are aspects that are easier to deal with, and aspects that are more difficult. Either way, I know the God is in control.

I still take comfort in music - those songs that hit home last time: Glory Baby by Watermark - Blessed By Your Name by Tree63 - and In Christ Alone by Newsboys. There are lines in those songs that bring healing to my heart and more importanly praise to our Heavenly Father.

This time, it is a song my Michael W. Smith. Talk about timing, I bought his new CD a few weeks ago and have been listening to the whole thing over and over. There is one song on there that I have thought to myself: keep this song in mind for someone who may need to hear it - I did not know, but God knew, that I would be the one...




VERSE 1
People say that time will heal
But you know, they just don't feel what you feel
Times are hard but God is so good
He's never failed you, and He said He never would
He see's your tears
He fights your fears

CHORUS

Hold on, help is on the way
He said he'd never leave you or forsake you
Stay strong
Help is on the way
He'd said he'd help you
Just reach out and take his hand

VERSE 2

He knows your heart, He lifts your head
He's always close enough to hear every word you said
When you're weak, He said He's so much more
His arm is long enough to reach you where you are
He see's your tears
He fights your fears