As I laid in bed this morning - I was thinking about something Heather Armstrong said in her last post - please refer to my previous post if you are clueless as to what I am speaking of.

She has over a million followers on Twitter - a million followers...which leads me to believe a good chunk of them follow her on her website too -

What makes people follow someone they have never met, the do not even know this chickadee - and yet they follow her and pay her salary. (and on a side note, I signed up for Twitter to see what the heck it was all about...I do not even understand how to make it work...I do not think I could even find Heather Armstrong and "follow" her on there if I signed in and tried.) So anyway, how does that even happen? I mean really, how do you get to a point that you have all these people reading your site? How did she get word out there about it? How is she making so much damn money from it? Seriously? I have had google adsense on my blog for how long now? I have to complain because I have not gotten a check from them but have supposedly made a whopping nine dollars and ten cents - wow, that will cover a pedicure for my big toe....just my right big toe, the left big toe is to big. (My left big toe is bigger than my right big toe. I blame my mom for this occurence)

Now you are going to ask me - snootily - "well, why do you follow her blog? How did you hear about it?"

I heard about it on TV, not sure which show...probably Oprah or The View...BUT, this was because she was making so much money off of it that she was on TV - how did she get to that point? So, I decided to check out her site to see what the heck was so great about it that she was making so much money. I do not follow it all the time. In fact, I had not looked at it for quite a while and then when I did check it there was her pregnancy/labor story part 1 and so I was waiting for the rest of the story and then I decided to check back every once and a while because she is funny.

So - if you could please inform me on how to reach that status...I would greatly appreciate it.

AND, if you could tell me why my back is breaking out all of a sudden and what I can do about it - that would be superb! (It is really ticking me off...)

Good One

Alright -

I could update you on us buying a new car...which we have not purchased as of yet, but the process deserves it's own post and that will come...probably after we actually but a car.

I could tell you about our day, well - Liliana's day...which was probably pretty dog gone traumatic for my baby - maybe tomorrow.

I just want to refer you to another blog - it is at http://dooce.com and you need to read the post:

Containing a capital letter or two

This lady is able to provide enough for her family by blogging, her husband even quit his job to stay home and help with the website. Hoooleeeee crap that would be an awesome job! Anyway, it is a long post and contains some foul language - hence the title of the post, but it cracked me up and turned out to be really cool in the end.

Always something...

That seems to be what I have been saying that past few weeks. Here is an update on me - in no particular order of occurrence.

Found out the results from the D&C and there was no pregnancy tissue in my uterus - which means it was an ectopic pregnancy. So, I choose to hace the D&C done...eventhough it was so early in the pregnancy and I probably would have passed everything without complication and therefore did not NEED the D&C, it turned out to be a blessing because of what we found out. So basically, I have had weekly blood draws since then to check my hormone levels to make sure that they return to and stay at zero. Since finding out it was ectopic - I am not sure how I feel about that. I do not think it really changed any of my feelings because to Evan and me, being pregnant is not just a 9 month thing...it is a child for life, our child for our lives. So either way, be it a loss from miscarriage or ectopic...it was still a child that we will never meet here on earth. Yep, another tattoo is in discussion. (Sorry mom) I will explain my the "why" behind getting a tattoo in another post...

The pain that I was having in my chest/rib cage/shoulder area was a mystery. I had a gall bladder ultrasound and it was normal. I was prescribed a Medrol Dosepak and I took that, and now the pain is gone. If that did not help, the doctor was going to order a CT Scan - thankfully the medicine worked. I think I stump the doctors 9 times out of 10.

MY FOOT HURTS. All those little bones on the top, I feel like they are shattered into little pieces of glass all moving around in there. It hurts. I went to the doctor today and he said I need better shoes then the crocs I had on and he is sending me to the podiatrist for possibly getting orthotics. We shall see. I went out tonight and bought new work shoes - gym shoes. Hope it helps.

Then the other day the upper half of my body started hurting. 99% sure it is my Fibromyalgia acting up - which would also explain why I just try to pass the time from the time Liliana goes to sleep until about 10 or so until I can go to sleep - so tired. It hurts to even lay down in bed - I mean, once I get situated it is okay...but the intial pressure of something touching me is terrible. I had bought a new bra last week and so it actually fits - it is not stretched out - I could not wear it today because it was too tight. (nope, that is not to personal for me to tell you) So now I am just waiting for this to pass. Evan and I joked last night that I need to get pregnant because it does not bother me when I am pregnant! Guess those 9 kids might actually work in my favor...ha ha ha

On happier notes - Liliana turned 1 on Saturday! I cannot believe the following: Liliana is 1. 1 year has gone by. I have a 1 year old. Crazy crazy crazy. We had a party for her and it was a lot of fun. It seems she gets more and more character as each day passes - she is just SO cute! :) The picture below is on the day of her birthday - she is starting to make faces when the camera comes out - although, yesterday and today...she has been making the face at random times! I shall post more birthday pictures as I have patience to upload and move them all over the page - I am not particularly fond of the way blogger works with posting pictures. Not that you needed to know all of that......

Here is my cheeser! :)

A Time For Everything

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

As I was praying about sharing my past few days with you, I prayed that God would give me the words and open the door. Meaning, that He would give me the words to not just explain the events that have occurred, but also my feelings, and also to fully express how good God is and bring glory to Him through it all. I also prayed that He would open the doors - open doors to your hearts as you read this. Maybe you have been through this and will find some comfort. Maybe you will walk away with a deeper sense of reverence for our Lord.

So as I prayed, the verses in Ecclesiastes came to mind. Well, I guess I should fill you in from top to bottom - or from Friday morning to right now.

My alarm went off at 6:41am Friday morning and it was time to get ready for work. Ok, who are we kidding - I reset my alarms and was going to sleep for another ten minutes. I like my sleep! As I laid back down, I noticed abdominal pain. It was not getting any better. I sat back up and realized I could not sit directly on my butt as it sent pain inside me. I thought maybe I had to poop, and so I went to the bathroom. I did poop, but it did not help the situation. I ended up in the office, on the floor, in a ball on my knees. I finally figured out this was not right, nor was it getting better. I went and woke Evan up (he had already had the day off. Could that have been God??? I think so) and after some discussion and paging of the doctor - we were off.

We dropped Liliana off at my sister's who graciously took her after being told she would have the day off. Then we went to the ER. The ride was not pleasant, I had to sit on the side of my butt and my legs were falling asleep from sitting like that. I could not straighten up, I was walking at a 90 degree, old lady, angle. We get to the ER and get all checked in. I gave a urine sample, they drew blood, and started an IV. When the doctor came in, I told him my symptoms (now keep in mind, I did not realize ANY tests were run as all my samples were next to me yet) and he said: "well, I have some news for you." He had not even touched me at this point and I have to tell you, I was a little nervous that he knew what was wrong and had not even examined me. Anyway, "well, I have some news for you - you're pregnant." "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" He said he would not joke about something like that. I laughed, out loud...for minutes. Actually, almost the whole day. SO many people had been asking me over the past few weeks if I was pregnant and I assured them I was not. HA. So he ran some blood work to check my hormone levels to see how far along the pregnancy was - turns out it was a very early pregnancy of 2-3 weeks along.

Next, the same ole story - I had the pleasure of receiving a catheter and off to ultrasound I went. The lady filled my bladder and started the ultrasound - both external and then emptied my bladder and did the internal ultarsound. Oh my goodness, the pain. The tears were just flowing out my eyes. Usually I just take the pain and don't say anything, but I actually asked at one point if she was almost done. I almost jumped off the table a few times.

After that, I waited for the results. The doc came back in and said blah blah blah - it is a very early pregnancy so they could not see anything other than some fluid that is most likely from a ruptured cyst - which is more painful than previous cysts because I was pregnant, there was more blood flow...making it more painful when it burst. My discharge instructions were to have repeat blood work drawn in a few days to make sure my hormone levels were rising as they should. They would be watching to make sure it was not an ectopic pregnancy.

So - we should just keep track here - 1 good needle/IV stick at ER.

On Sunday was when my OB wanted me to have repeat blood work. I get in the lab and tell the lady: "do. not. dig. Just take it out and stick me again. If you dig, you will loose me." She says, "well we don't want that, it's just you and me here." Great, thought we had an understanding. She asked me if I wanted to lay down, I said no - I do just fine, if you do not dig. She pokes. SHE DIGS. SHE DIGS. COME ON...I just told you. She had about 2 seconds left before I took it out myself and then passed out. And she says "I know you told me not to do this but..." and she got it. Lucky her. I could not believe it.

Keeping track? 1 good, 1 bad. 2 sticks, 3 day time frame.

I went to the OB yesterday and my hormone levels significantly dropped indicating a miscarriage. I had my 3 options of what to do and I choose to just have a D&C done...which was schedule for today.

I get all checked in and stripped down at the hospital today and procedures start. I sign several consents as the patient, and then I also sign a consent as the mother inidicating what I want done with the remains. That form seemed to have given me the same erie feeling as last time, I think no matter how many times - it still rates the same...way down there on the charts. Anyway, she had to draw blood and then start an IV.

Track time: 2 good, 1 bad, 1 inbetween. 4 sticks, 5 day time frame.

I finally get wheeled off and placed in the holding area - smallest little space ever. I ended up have another blood draw because the first nurse did not put her initials on the label and the blood bank would no accept the sample.

Tally it up: 3 good, 1 bad, 1 inbetween. 5 sticks, 5 day time frame.

Then I get into the OR. It is always the strangest thing getting put under for surgery. I move over to the teenie tiny bed with a whole in it for my butt. My arms are outstretched to either side of me and strapped down. As soon as I got on the bed I asked if he had given me something in the IV already - he wasted no time at all. They put the oxygen on and I felt the nurse putting booties on my feet - or something - and then I was dreaming or who knows what and I felt them pull the intubation tube out and I was up. I was being wheeled to recovery and I saw my doctor there talking to me - like a dream. I asked (or thought I asked) what time it was and someone said 11 - which was probably actually the time I went in and so I thought it was done REALLY fast. I did say, that was really fast and she said it did go fast and everything went well. I heard her tell me she talked to my husband and she had a work note for me. Then I was talking to a nurse. I asked what time it was...again, she said 12:30pm. OH. Now I am sitting there extremely confused. So, I asked how long I had been in recovery. She said about 8 minutes. Ok, now I think I am more confused. I finally realized that I do not think I asked initially what time it was out loud - or no one heard me, and I heard the nurses say 11...probably the little nook number I was going to. I told the nurse that last time I went through this, I was not woken up so quickly - she said, "Yeah, sometimes they slap you in the face and wake you up real fast." (totally joking, but saying they do sometimes get you up right away.) I apologized for asking her the same question so many times, it was like twilight or something for me. But she said I came out of it just fine, when I got in recovery I was all like "HI!" Turns out the Lord really does watch over us from start to finish (duh) - I had a Christian nurse in the recovery room and we had some good conversation and she said she would be praying for me.

Ok - so blah blah blah, I am home now. I did not stay long at all after the surgery. I will say that were the IV was on my hand there is now a bump and it is sore - that would have been the inbetween stick. I think I will chalk it up to a bad stick. :)

The feelings/emotions: well, I know there is a time for everything. There was a time for life, and a time for death. It is interesting how sometimes we have to say goodbye to people who we have known for so long and they are at the end of their life..and now twice I have had to say goodbye to my babies who would have been just starting out - but, the love and hurt in our hearts are no different between the two. I had a time to be excited and worried and plan for the future - 9 months away and the inbetween. I guess it is now my time to mourn and heal. I know the Lord has a plan and is in charge of my life, and my children's lives. This time around it is easier: I was not as far along and we have Liliana. I have often said that if I did not miscarry the first time, I am not sure I would have Liliana - so I wonder, who does God have in store for us next? This time around was also harder: now I know what it is to have and to love a child of my own - so the loss cuts much deeper, well - differently. This time around is different. There are aspects that are easier to deal with, and aspects that are more difficult. Either way, I know the God is in control.

I still take comfort in music - those songs that hit home last time: Glory Baby by Watermark - Blessed By Your Name by Tree63 - and In Christ Alone by Newsboys. There are lines in those songs that bring healing to my heart and more importanly praise to our Heavenly Father.

This time, it is a song my Michael W. Smith. Talk about timing, I bought his new CD a few weeks ago and have been listening to the whole thing over and over. There is one song on there that I have thought to myself: keep this song in mind for someone who may need to hear it - I did not know, but God knew, that I would be the one...




VERSE 1
People say that time will heal
But you know, they just don't feel what you feel
Times are hard but God is so good
He's never failed you, and He said He never would
He see's your tears
He fights your fears

CHORUS

Hold on, help is on the way
He said he'd never leave you or forsake you
Stay strong
Help is on the way
He'd said he'd help you
Just reach out and take his hand

VERSE 2

He knows your heart, He lifts your head
He's always close enough to hear every word you said
When you're weak, He said He's so much more
His arm is long enough to reach you where you are
He see's your tears
He fights your fears

Amazing

I find watching Liliana grow is amazing - it is amazing to watch her curiosity just overtake her. It is amazing how much they learn in the first year! It is amazing to almost see the wheels in their brain turn as they figure things out. It is amazing that some stuff really is not taught to her - yet she does it.

I am so thankful to have been a part of God's miracle. It is just awesome to think about how God forms us...and to have been able to be a part of this process is a blessing!

Body after Baby

I am not going to talk about the physical part of my body - we just do not need to go down that road. We just don't.

I am talking about the inside body - the workings of the inside. I could talk about my heart and get all mushy, but I am not taking that route either.

I am talking about the inside body - from poop to pains to peeing.

Speaking of going pee - do you know they asked me to go pee while I was delivering Liliana!? How absurd is that? I told them I could not go. Evan said "if you're embarrassed, we'll all turn around." I kid you not - as soon as those words came out of his mouth, every body in the room turned around...even the doctor. No questions asked. No waiting for my answer. They just turned around like Evan held the highest authority in the room. Now come on, really - let's just think this through...I am giving birth, everything is out in the open - why would going pee embarrass me at this very moment? (Do not get me wrong, I appreciated the gesture and concern...but really) Needless to say, I did not pee at that time - or for some time after. About an hour after Liliana was born I sat on the toilet with the nurse standing next to me and I had to pee so bad, but my body was not hearing of it. I could not physically go pee. The nurse had to straight cath me until I could urinate on my own. Liliana was born at 6:30pm, I did not pee until 10:30pm. As I started to pee, again with the nurse standing next to me, I said "I feel like a big girl going pee on the potty!" We laughed. I peed.

It was not long after I got home that I did not feel right - down there. There was pressure when I stood up and it made me just want to cross my legs or sit down. Turns out my uterus was falling out - no kidding. I mean, it was not hanging out bad...but it was falling out. Today, my uterus is "in place" - so some ultrasound shows. I am not 100% convinced it is. However better, much better...still some small issues here and there.

Unexplainable pain. I have had ultrasounds done for this pain in my abdomen - everything is fine. I have been sent to the General Surgeon for a possible hernia - that was a no go. But be sure to note that he was going to have me come back in six weeks to re-check it and then he might do the hernia surgery anyway because there really is no good test to tell if there is a hernia or not. It is up to his discretion when he pokes and prods me and then maybe do the exploratory surgery. Money sucker. Needless to say, I have not gone back to him. The pain is less - but still there.

Pooping - ode to pooping, when you finally poop. Before I got pregnant, overall, I had no issues going poop. Then I got pregnant and it changed that part of my system. Dog gone it. There just isn't anything like taking a good poop. During my pregnancy I would get a wave of nausea - clearly different from morning (all day) sickness - and then I could poop. Strange, strange, strange. I figured that once my peanut was born, all would be good in the land of pooping - oh not so. Thankfully this does not happen ALL the time, but it happens enough...I will get very hot and sweaty and feel nauseous and just over-all really sick about 10 minutes before I poop. Ridiculous and unheard of!

I was told my body would still be changing/returning to "normal" (if there is such a thing after baby) for 9 months after delivery. Well, it is 11 months and some things are not back to what is "my normal"...

Liliana - 11 months
Havin' fun in Nana's backyard!

Liliana - 11 months
(moved to our front yard!)
There is grass stuck to my finger! :)

Biased, I know...but...cute cute cute!

A bird flew by and then up in the sky and she almost fell over looking at it!

...but...I guess, ok ok - I know Liliana is worth it all!

What do you see?

I think this is my new favorite songs.

What do you see? What do you see when you close your eyes and think of Yahweh?

I close my eyes and I see my God stooped down, arms stretched wide, a smile from ear to ear on His face, calling me to Himself, calling me by name. I see me, running towards Him. When I get to Him, He wraps His arms around me and holds onto me, even picks me up. Just like an earthly parent to their child. You know - when the baby starts to crawl or walk and you get down to their level and show all this excitement, calling them towards you. And when they get there, you embrace them and hug them and praise them and you are so happy they are there - they came to you, they are in your arms. I imagine that to be my God. So excited to have me run to Him. So happy to take care of me. So happy I chose Him. I think of being that child who got to their mom or dad and how safe they feel in their arms. I wonder why I am not always quick to run to my Father's arms.

I see His arms stretched out and nailed to the cross, it is my sin that held Him there. I see his head hung because He died for me. He died to pay the price I should be paying. He died so that I could spend eternity with Him in Heaven - the most glorious place with my glorious God.
I see an example set for me to follow; He even left me a love letter with instructions and encouragement.
I see a loving Father.
I see Him weeping when I turn away from Him.
I see Him pleading my case to His Father; telling His Father that He took my place and I am washed clean now, washed by the blood shed from His body.
I see Him watching over me.
I see a jealous God.
I see a just God.
I see Him smiling when I please Him.
I see Him raising the sun by just pointing His finger at it.
Tonight, I see my God bowling. :) When I was little and it would thunder and lighting my mom would tell me the thunder is just God bowling in Heaven.

What I see, makes me smile. It makes me love Him even more. It makes me want to strive to serve Him and glorify Him with all that I am, the best I can. It makes me want to spend time with Him.

What do you see? Just sitting for 5 minutes thinking of what you see - it could strengthen your relationship with Him. It could prepare you for a quiet time with Him. It could just change your whole attitude if you were previously completely ticked off because you might not be able to finish your child's scrapbook because of a stupid reason - in fact, I am telling you it CAN change your attitude! :)

...His banner for us is love. That is taken from Song of Solomon 2:4. He is proclaiming His love for us. How awesome!

I need to be more diligent about spending time in the Word...I think I will start my quiet times off with this song. It prepares me to seek Him - it reminds me how much my God loves me. He sings to me. He prays for me. Those are just awesome thoughts for me.

What do you see?