Looking for me?

I am done with blogger. It has been good to me for the time I have been here - but the time has come...

drum roll please

I have my own website!

Follow me over to:

http://www.aplaceofcandor.com

(the only change is .blogspot. - but the changes to the site are tremendous!)

Blurb

This may be a short blurb, but it is just as important:

I have restricted the settings on commenting on my blog posts. Maybe you do not often follow my blog and you would not have read the post: WTF!! Commenter - You're in trouble written just last month.

My family is very important to me and therefore, I take comments made about them very seriously. There was a comment on my last post that referred to my husband as a "slug" and I do not appreciate this, regardless of the intent behind it ... jokingly or not. It was inappropriate to post that on a post that was saying good things about him.

Yes, I do complain about some of the things he does, or does not do at times - but half the time, I think that you can ask any wife about those things and she will have the same complaint...men tend to fall in those categories of the things I blog about. (Just as I am sure that women fall into the categories my husband would blog about me) You know, men and women are different but men as a whole and women as a whole - well, there tend to be similarities among them.

That post was actually written for Evan, and for the rest of you to know that the Lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband and for someone to refer to him as a slug on such a post as they did, it made me really mad.

I realize I may no longer have comments as much as I use to...but if that is the sacrifice I make to limit the rudeness towards my family, then it is no sacrifice at all.

For the Hubby

Apparently, I only post about the bad things he does and not the good things - so this is for him :)

I have been sick all week. BLAH. He even took time off work so I could stay in bed and rest while he took care of Liliana. On the days that he did work, he came home and made dinner and took care of Liliana while I did NOT-A-THING.

So - to my Hubby, thank you!

I ended up going to the doctor on Wednesday and then on Thursday their office staff really ticked me off. I was so sick and the chickadee who was suppose to JUST take my message was trying to diagnose me and ask me why I thought I was right and she was wrong. Are you freaking kidding me? Take my message. So needless to say I never got an appropriate answer because she botched my message up. Grrrrr.

It was a long week, but it ended with Sweetest Day - and Evan got me a card! I do not ask for much, but a card I do ask for and he got me a very sweet card! And he remembered that it was 7 years ago that he proposed to me, on Sweetest Day. Awe, so sweet!

I am looking forward to a much better week!

If you want something done...

...do it yourself. Why is it that men can only see what is in the sink? I know I am not the only wife out there with a husband who has this problem......

(So I was only going to just post pictures tonight - but now I need to get this off my chest.)

This post is for the men out there, listen up:

When your wife wants the kitchen cleaned...take note of the word "kitchen" - look around and realize there is more to the kitchen than the dishes in the sink.

Yes, we appreciate you doing the dishes...don't get us wrong, but the kitchen is not in the sink.

Thank you.
Goodnight.

All Liliana

Just posting some pictures of Liliana today....

I was trying to get a picture of all her curls after her bath, but she was not having it.

I can stand, but almost fell over!

I like this picture because you can see in her cheeks she's got a big ole smile going on!

Showin' off my cute little slippers that come off my feet so they are not very useful....

I am a big girl now!

Tattoo

Yes, I got another tattoo. I strategically thought through this one. Well, I always do - they are never a quick decision.

Here is why I got a tattoo - if you do not know, in August of this year I had an ectopic miscarriage...this is what my friend and I have decided to call it after talking through the events. (you can read about it under the 'August' month tab and the post is called 'A Time for Everything) Well, let me go back - I miscarried in 2006 and I got a tattoo in remembrance of that baby lost. So when things happened this time around - I immediately wanted another tattoo. It is a part of the healing for me. It is like completing my family. Having those babies with me at all times, even though they are with the Lord. I never had an ultrasound picture to carry with me, nothing. So getting a tattoo (which I already had some before 2006) is a way to express myself, remember my children who are with the Lord, heal, and to me - it is the same as carrying a picture of Liliana with me...if that makes any sense.

This time I got a very simple tattoo and I did not get any date on it. I realize that since we are not done trying to have kids, there is always that possibility I may miscarry again and I do not want to get a tattoo for each loss - so this tattoo will be to remember any loss, loss I have had and loss in the future - should the Lord lead us down that path...I pray it will not be the case, but the future is always uncertain. Once we are done having kids, I can add a date(s) if I so choose. Currently, I do not see that happening. I am so pleased with this tattoo...it really is like a layer of my heart heals when I get the tattoo and it is like completing the space in our family where that baby would be.

So here is the tattoo - I just got it yesterday so it is not healed. It is on my left arm, on like the inside - close to my heart.

Weekend Videos

Alright - over the weekend I took some videos of Liliana. The first three were all in a row. She was eating and pooping - and it was SO funny. I had to pull out the camera and video tape her...yes, video tape her pooping. BUT, she was a little stinker. (in more ways than one.)

The first time I pulled out the camera, she did this:

The burp at the end is hilarious to me!

So then we move on...it seemed that every time I turned on the camera to record and the little orange light flashed - she would stop pooping and make her cheeser face for the camera. But she just thought I was taking a picture and when she did not see the flash and I kept holding the camera there - she would make the face again.

Next - she does this hands-to-face thing when you say "oh no" and as you heard in the previous video...I had started saying that -

We have a walker! Evan's phone was on the floor - as a bribe to get her to walk so I could get it on camera! This was taken just a few days ago - I need to get new video because she is doing much better at walking than this video as she is a little wobbly yet.

Liliana is just SO much fun! This morning I walked in her room and she was standing in her crib and she got so excited to see me she squealed and starting jumping in her crib. Hilarious!!! And she always makes her cheeser face for the camera. It is so fun to see her personality really start to show.





These pictures were taken the same day as the videos...she just kept cheesin it up!

WTF!! Commenter - You're in trouble

I do not know who posted "WTF!!" on my post 'Another' and 'Chop Liver' - but I am mad.

For those of you who do not know, the standard meaning of "WTF" is What the Fu**

Now - I could see the comment being posted on 'Chop Liver' - but NOT 'Another'...that is too far, that is about my daughter.

NOW, I also realize that there could be other meanings of "WTF"
For instance:

Wow, that's funny!
Where's the fly?
What's the fuss?
so on and so forth

So - to whomever posted that, you better redeem yourself. Re-post and let me know what it is you really meant by those letters.

This is making me re-think having comments open to anyone - meaning you would have to sign in to post a comment. It is also making me re-think having an open blog - meaning you would have to be invited by me to read my blog. I will most likely make these changes within 24 hours if there is no response to this because I am that upset about it. It was uncalled for.

And if you think I am going to far for something that seems so trivial - it is not trivial to me, I will not apologize, and I do have my period. You picked the wrong week to make that comment.

Another

Let's go for broke - 3 posts in one day. Now you probably won't hear from me for months!

I heard Liliana cry a little bit ago - I knew the cry. I walked in there and she is sitting up, but still half asleep and falling asleep. So sweet. She is sitting up, holding a paci in her hand and rubbing the sheets with it. Then she tried to get the paci in her mouth - which on normal occasions she is very good at - but just could not turn it around to get the right side of the paci in her mouth.

She still has no idea I am in the room. She then puts her hand down and starts nodding off. Then she moves her hands around and finds a second paci and has both paci's in her one hand and puts them to her mouth and one makes it in. She sort of looks at me, but it was like she did not even see me. And then she just laid down and went back to sleep.

It was the cutest and saddest thing all at the same time.

It is so cute to see the different positions they sleep in! My favorite is butt in the air and feet crossed - this is not from tonight, it is from last week:

Chop Liver

Yep - I go from never posting to posting twice in one day. Go figure.

This one will be short - because really, who am I but just chop liver.

Today was an unexpected day off for me. It has been wonderful! Just wonderful! Liliana and I drove out to see Evan at work - and this is where I realized I mean nothing anymore since Liliana is around.

Evan does come out to "help me." But I find he just swipes Liliana from my arms and I am carrying everything else. Evan opens the first door and I walk in and stand there and wait for him to open the next door for me - as this is normal in our relationship - oh, he opens the door alright...and walks right through almost knocking me over and leaving me behind. Thanks.

We go to the computer to get a name tag - he gets it to the screen it needs to be on and he steps aside and tells me to fill the stuff in. Apparently it would be easier for me to do since I had nothing in my hands - oh, wait...I did. Hmph.

So then we start walking around and every person we got to he introduced Liliana to them and I stood there. I could have sat at his desk and had more fun. If I did not introduce myself, I was invisible.

How did Liliana get in this world again????
That's right -
ready dear?
ME. I carried her full-term. I was in labor for 17.5 hours. I pushed for 1.5 hours. I did it naturally. Yep, that's right. You go right ahead and not acknowledge my presence. (did you want us to come visit again???)

1 Toe

Sunday morning. 7 am. I am asleep. Evan is asleep. Liliana is crying. I get up - and when I say "I get up" - I mean, my body gets out of bed, and my eyes open - but I sleep walk! lol Anyway, I go into Liliana's room and give her a paci, lay her back down and tell her it is too early to be up - go back to bed. And she does...so I go to leave and STUB MY FOOT ON THE DOOR FRAME. It was one of those stubbed-so-bad stubs that no scream came from my mouth. I just dropped to the floor and grabbed my foot.

Once I can let go of my foot to see what is going on - now remember, I am sleeping and now in shock and shocking bad pain - so my sight is not too clear, plus I do not have my glasses on. I look down and see on the top of baby toe a very strange looking blood blister.

I think it is amazing that there is this big ole door frame and one foot - but only one tiny toe got hurt.

I crawl into the bathroom and look again...now my sight is working a little better and I realize I am bleeding. Grand. I cut my toe. The tip of my toe - as if I was trying to take the tip of my toe off. The good news - I think that when I grabbed my foot, I pressed the flap of skin in place. So I meekly call Evan's name...and ask him to come bandage my toe. I was not sure how I was going to bandage the tip of my toe without using numerous band-aids and have it look hideous...and I would have to make sure the toe next to it stayed out of the way so a band-aid could be put on.

So my hubby put a band-aid of me, of which he did a really good job...and brought me the boo boo pack that we use for Liliana...thanks dear. He did actually bring me regular ice though.

So back to bed I went!

My toe is healing nicely! And Liliana slept until 9am that morning!

Cannot believe it -

I just cannot believe some things I read today -

Take for instance this: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/10050768/Firestorm-over-column-linking-kidnap-victim,-sports?GT1=39002 I read this guy's column and personally, did not find anything wrong with it. In fact, I thought it was kind of cool. Wouldn't you want to know what has been going on in the world? I thought it was sincere and light-hearted and yet he was criticized so much - he had to issue an apology. Ridiculous. It really got my goat.

People Magazine - let me just page through it and give you my gripes...

While I do this - did you watch Oprah today? The begining of the show was totally cool!

My B.I.L. had knee surgery this morning, all went well and he is at home recovering!

And did you know that you can order coffee at dunkin donuts to be half regular and half decaf? Just in case you are interested...I thought I would share that with you - seems that not everyone knew this and so have not been ordering that way eventhough they would like it that way.

Ok - Kathy Griffin - Has the "Kate" Hairstyle....blonde and all, not doin' it for me. You are a red head!

20 years since the movie When Harry Met Sally came out. Hilarious movie, one of my favorites! My friend got married and few years ago and now the street she lives on is Sheldon. Even more hilarious. Everytime, every single time, I address mail to her and write Sheldon - I make sure it stands out! If you have no clue what I am talking about, you are not a When Harry Met Sally fan and shame on you.

Apparently it is very important for us to know that Macaulay Culkin was at Michael Jackson's final farewell and "he went up to the casket and took a flower off it" - woah, stop the presses! Did they have nothing else to publish there?

Props to Mary J. Blige - when asked what her marriage secret is - she responds with "the key is praying." Could not be more true!

Here is news I did not know, and wish I did not know - Former Americal Idol contestant got married in Oak Brook, IL - the reason I wish I did not know...he married a guy. Oh, excuse me - they exchanged vows.

Have not heard the name Brian Boitano in a long time...he is cooking up a storm these days. Who knew he had interests outside of skating. He was an awesome skater! (Ice skating for those of you in the dark ages)

Amazing - really amazing...prosthetic tails, flippers and paws...no joke. Really cool that our animals are being taken care, even to the extreme of getting prosthetics. Even an Eagle's beak!

No one cares why Tyra lost 30 pounds...and Tyra, no one really cared to see you without your hair all done up.

And thus concludes my random thoughts from today. I would include work thoughts - but that might get me fired and I do not want that......or.....do I???? JUST KIDDING.

Here is a random picture of Liliana - this face JUST PLAIN CRACKS ME UP!

Laugh it up...

...at my expense.

I had a nickname once - Pepperann.

Apparently, I reminded some people of this said Pepperann.

2 videos

Whenever we go to take the dog out - get the leash and harness and get Fizzle all hooked up - Liliana laughs and laughs! We have yet to figure out what she finds so funny. And when you walk away without her, she cries. (she likes to hold the leash) So, I finally got a chance to catch it on video. One is from this morning and she was still waking up...so she was not so into laughing as she normally is. The second one is from tonight - she was laughing up a storm and then she starts to fuss when she thinks Evan is not going to take her with.

Just Laugh

I have found myself laughing at the strangest things since Liliana has been born - and laughing more often. Really, really laughing!


Like a few weeks ago when I picked Liliana up...we were on the floor together and I picked her up and started to roll on my back and hold her up over me and she smiled and out came a large stream of spit up that landed right on my chest - warm, blop. (yes, blop...my own word) I just laughed and laughed and inbetween laughs I asked Evan to bring the wipes!


I have also gotten through some trying moments by just saying "I love you." I am sure there will be many more of these moments, but a lot of them came when she was smaller and would spit up a lot or something - I would just look at her and say "I love you Liliana" and clean things up and move on.


Today was a laughing day. It started this morning when I got Liliana dressed. I stood her up to get a hug and I said "oh, you're just SO CUTE!" And she looked up at me with a big ole cheeser grin. I laughed. And told her again how cute she was.


I was crying at work I was laughing so hard. I know that I am going to tell you the whole story on here and it is going to be one of those times where at the end of the story I say, "guess you had to be there." So it is almost pointless for me to tell you the story - but since I have come this far I cannot leave you hanging. *names have been changed* Lucy comes over and sits down and is somewhat facing me...so I can see Lucy and I can see Pearl...but Lucy and Pearl cannot see each other. The topic came up that a lot of people are charging things. I said I get made fun of because I still write checks, a lot. Lucy said she charges things and then writes one big check. (I sometimes do that, by the way) And then Lucy proceeds to say that checks cost too much. I said they are not that expensive, I can get them for like $7 a box from here or there. Lucy said she gets them from her bank because she is scared to go outside of the bank for them and they are expensive. Pearl chimes in and says that she use to go outside for checks too, but now she gets them from her bank because they are free. We ask Pearl what bank she goes to and she says TCF and Lucy stops what she was doing and just looks - stares into space. Priceless look. I ask Lucy if she has the same bank and she says yes. So Lucy banks at TCF and finds the checks to be expensive and Pearl banks at TCF and gets free checks. (I know, you do not see much humor in this...definitely not enough to have made me cry...you had to be there!)


The best though - now, if I do not blog again...it is because my husband has read this and has since thrown away my computer - following through on his threat.


Ok - the best was tonight...I had to call a friend to tell her the story it was so funny. Evan had been saying he was going to sew a snap onto one of Liliana's bibs so that she could not take it off all the time...and the velcro was dying. So he worked on that tonight. He comes in the office and throws the bib at me. As I start to inspect his work and snap the snap...he comes next to me. I just look at him and hand the bib back. And I am laughing. He tries to snap the snap. A smile smerks across his face and I BUST OUT IN A GUT LAUGH OUT LOUD LAUGH!!! He did a good job sewing...you know how one snap has the little part that sticks out to connect into the hole on the other part? Well, both parts had the little part that sticks out - so you could not snap it together. HI...LARE....E..US! (I do know that is not how you spell it, that is how I am "saying" it!) Seriously, he was a little upset at my reaction...but in reality...he could not keep it together himself! So funny, so funny. He went and fixed it and now it is correct and he did a great job! :)
(and then he told me if this story ended up on my blog, he would throw my computer out)


Seems that as soon as Liliana turned 1 - she became a character. Always cheesin' it up!!! :)


She is posin' - thinkin' she is all that and everything else!

CHEESER!

Here she is in her car seat that now faces forward. It is so cool to turn around and see her smiling back!

So - I hope you have some laughter in your life every single day!

A CHEERFUL HEART IS GOOD MEDICINE, BUT A CRUSHED SPIRIT DRIES UP THE BONES.

PROVERBS 17:22

As I laid in bed this morning - I was thinking about something Heather Armstrong said in her last post - please refer to my previous post if you are clueless as to what I am speaking of.

She has over a million followers on Twitter - a million followers...which leads me to believe a good chunk of them follow her on her website too -

What makes people follow someone they have never met, the do not even know this chickadee - and yet they follow her and pay her salary. (and on a side note, I signed up for Twitter to see what the heck it was all about...I do not even understand how to make it work...I do not think I could even find Heather Armstrong and "follow" her on there if I signed in and tried.) So anyway, how does that even happen? I mean really, how do you get to a point that you have all these people reading your site? How did she get word out there about it? How is she making so much damn money from it? Seriously? I have had google adsense on my blog for how long now? I have to complain because I have not gotten a check from them but have supposedly made a whopping nine dollars and ten cents - wow, that will cover a pedicure for my big toe....just my right big toe, the left big toe is to big. (My left big toe is bigger than my right big toe. I blame my mom for this occurence)

Now you are going to ask me - snootily - "well, why do you follow her blog? How did you hear about it?"

I heard about it on TV, not sure which show...probably Oprah or The View...BUT, this was because she was making so much money off of it that she was on TV - how did she get to that point? So, I decided to check out her site to see what the heck was so great about it that she was making so much money. I do not follow it all the time. In fact, I had not looked at it for quite a while and then when I did check it there was her pregnancy/labor story part 1 and so I was waiting for the rest of the story and then I decided to check back every once and a while because she is funny.

So - if you could please inform me on how to reach that status...I would greatly appreciate it.

AND, if you could tell me why my back is breaking out all of a sudden and what I can do about it - that would be superb! (It is really ticking me off...)

Good One

Alright -

I could update you on us buying a new car...which we have not purchased as of yet, but the process deserves it's own post and that will come...probably after we actually but a car.

I could tell you about our day, well - Liliana's day...which was probably pretty dog gone traumatic for my baby - maybe tomorrow.

I just want to refer you to another blog - it is at http://dooce.com and you need to read the post:

Containing a capital letter or two

This lady is able to provide enough for her family by blogging, her husband even quit his job to stay home and help with the website. Hoooleeeee crap that would be an awesome job! Anyway, it is a long post and contains some foul language - hence the title of the post, but it cracked me up and turned out to be really cool in the end.

Always something...

That seems to be what I have been saying that past few weeks. Here is an update on me - in no particular order of occurrence.

Found out the results from the D&C and there was no pregnancy tissue in my uterus - which means it was an ectopic pregnancy. So, I choose to hace the D&C done...eventhough it was so early in the pregnancy and I probably would have passed everything without complication and therefore did not NEED the D&C, it turned out to be a blessing because of what we found out. So basically, I have had weekly blood draws since then to check my hormone levels to make sure that they return to and stay at zero. Since finding out it was ectopic - I am not sure how I feel about that. I do not think it really changed any of my feelings because to Evan and me, being pregnant is not just a 9 month thing...it is a child for life, our child for our lives. So either way, be it a loss from miscarriage or ectopic...it was still a child that we will never meet here on earth. Yep, another tattoo is in discussion. (Sorry mom) I will explain my the "why" behind getting a tattoo in another post...

The pain that I was having in my chest/rib cage/shoulder area was a mystery. I had a gall bladder ultrasound and it was normal. I was prescribed a Medrol Dosepak and I took that, and now the pain is gone. If that did not help, the doctor was going to order a CT Scan - thankfully the medicine worked. I think I stump the doctors 9 times out of 10.

MY FOOT HURTS. All those little bones on the top, I feel like they are shattered into little pieces of glass all moving around in there. It hurts. I went to the doctor today and he said I need better shoes then the crocs I had on and he is sending me to the podiatrist for possibly getting orthotics. We shall see. I went out tonight and bought new work shoes - gym shoes. Hope it helps.

Then the other day the upper half of my body started hurting. 99% sure it is my Fibromyalgia acting up - which would also explain why I just try to pass the time from the time Liliana goes to sleep until about 10 or so until I can go to sleep - so tired. It hurts to even lay down in bed - I mean, once I get situated it is okay...but the intial pressure of something touching me is terrible. I had bought a new bra last week and so it actually fits - it is not stretched out - I could not wear it today because it was too tight. (nope, that is not to personal for me to tell you) So now I am just waiting for this to pass. Evan and I joked last night that I need to get pregnant because it does not bother me when I am pregnant! Guess those 9 kids might actually work in my favor...ha ha ha

On happier notes - Liliana turned 1 on Saturday! I cannot believe the following: Liliana is 1. 1 year has gone by. I have a 1 year old. Crazy crazy crazy. We had a party for her and it was a lot of fun. It seems she gets more and more character as each day passes - she is just SO cute! :) The picture below is on the day of her birthday - she is starting to make faces when the camera comes out - although, yesterday and today...she has been making the face at random times! I shall post more birthday pictures as I have patience to upload and move them all over the page - I am not particularly fond of the way blogger works with posting pictures. Not that you needed to know all of that......

Here is my cheeser! :)

A Time For Everything

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

As I was praying about sharing my past few days with you, I prayed that God would give me the words and open the door. Meaning, that He would give me the words to not just explain the events that have occurred, but also my feelings, and also to fully express how good God is and bring glory to Him through it all. I also prayed that He would open the doors - open doors to your hearts as you read this. Maybe you have been through this and will find some comfort. Maybe you will walk away with a deeper sense of reverence for our Lord.

So as I prayed, the verses in Ecclesiastes came to mind. Well, I guess I should fill you in from top to bottom - or from Friday morning to right now.

My alarm went off at 6:41am Friday morning and it was time to get ready for work. Ok, who are we kidding - I reset my alarms and was going to sleep for another ten minutes. I like my sleep! As I laid back down, I noticed abdominal pain. It was not getting any better. I sat back up and realized I could not sit directly on my butt as it sent pain inside me. I thought maybe I had to poop, and so I went to the bathroom. I did poop, but it did not help the situation. I ended up in the office, on the floor, in a ball on my knees. I finally figured out this was not right, nor was it getting better. I went and woke Evan up (he had already had the day off. Could that have been God??? I think so) and after some discussion and paging of the doctor - we were off.

We dropped Liliana off at my sister's who graciously took her after being told she would have the day off. Then we went to the ER. The ride was not pleasant, I had to sit on the side of my butt and my legs were falling asleep from sitting like that. I could not straighten up, I was walking at a 90 degree, old lady, angle. We get to the ER and get all checked in. I gave a urine sample, they drew blood, and started an IV. When the doctor came in, I told him my symptoms (now keep in mind, I did not realize ANY tests were run as all my samples were next to me yet) and he said: "well, I have some news for you." He had not even touched me at this point and I have to tell you, I was a little nervous that he knew what was wrong and had not even examined me. Anyway, "well, I have some news for you - you're pregnant." "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" He said he would not joke about something like that. I laughed, out loud...for minutes. Actually, almost the whole day. SO many people had been asking me over the past few weeks if I was pregnant and I assured them I was not. HA. So he ran some blood work to check my hormone levels to see how far along the pregnancy was - turns out it was a very early pregnancy of 2-3 weeks along.

Next, the same ole story - I had the pleasure of receiving a catheter and off to ultrasound I went. The lady filled my bladder and started the ultrasound - both external and then emptied my bladder and did the internal ultarsound. Oh my goodness, the pain. The tears were just flowing out my eyes. Usually I just take the pain and don't say anything, but I actually asked at one point if she was almost done. I almost jumped off the table a few times.

After that, I waited for the results. The doc came back in and said blah blah blah - it is a very early pregnancy so they could not see anything other than some fluid that is most likely from a ruptured cyst - which is more painful than previous cysts because I was pregnant, there was more blood flow...making it more painful when it burst. My discharge instructions were to have repeat blood work drawn in a few days to make sure my hormone levels were rising as they should. They would be watching to make sure it was not an ectopic pregnancy.

So - we should just keep track here - 1 good needle/IV stick at ER.

On Sunday was when my OB wanted me to have repeat blood work. I get in the lab and tell the lady: "do. not. dig. Just take it out and stick me again. If you dig, you will loose me." She says, "well we don't want that, it's just you and me here." Great, thought we had an understanding. She asked me if I wanted to lay down, I said no - I do just fine, if you do not dig. She pokes. SHE DIGS. SHE DIGS. COME ON...I just told you. She had about 2 seconds left before I took it out myself and then passed out. And she says "I know you told me not to do this but..." and she got it. Lucky her. I could not believe it.

Keeping track? 1 good, 1 bad. 2 sticks, 3 day time frame.

I went to the OB yesterday and my hormone levels significantly dropped indicating a miscarriage. I had my 3 options of what to do and I choose to just have a D&C done...which was schedule for today.

I get all checked in and stripped down at the hospital today and procedures start. I sign several consents as the patient, and then I also sign a consent as the mother inidicating what I want done with the remains. That form seemed to have given me the same erie feeling as last time, I think no matter how many times - it still rates the same...way down there on the charts. Anyway, she had to draw blood and then start an IV.

Track time: 2 good, 1 bad, 1 inbetween. 4 sticks, 5 day time frame.

I finally get wheeled off and placed in the holding area - smallest little space ever. I ended up have another blood draw because the first nurse did not put her initials on the label and the blood bank would no accept the sample.

Tally it up: 3 good, 1 bad, 1 inbetween. 5 sticks, 5 day time frame.

Then I get into the OR. It is always the strangest thing getting put under for surgery. I move over to the teenie tiny bed with a whole in it for my butt. My arms are outstretched to either side of me and strapped down. As soon as I got on the bed I asked if he had given me something in the IV already - he wasted no time at all. They put the oxygen on and I felt the nurse putting booties on my feet - or something - and then I was dreaming or who knows what and I felt them pull the intubation tube out and I was up. I was being wheeled to recovery and I saw my doctor there talking to me - like a dream. I asked (or thought I asked) what time it was and someone said 11 - which was probably actually the time I went in and so I thought it was done REALLY fast. I did say, that was really fast and she said it did go fast and everything went well. I heard her tell me she talked to my husband and she had a work note for me. Then I was talking to a nurse. I asked what time it was...again, she said 12:30pm. OH. Now I am sitting there extremely confused. So, I asked how long I had been in recovery. She said about 8 minutes. Ok, now I think I am more confused. I finally realized that I do not think I asked initially what time it was out loud - or no one heard me, and I heard the nurses say 11...probably the little nook number I was going to. I told the nurse that last time I went through this, I was not woken up so quickly - she said, "Yeah, sometimes they slap you in the face and wake you up real fast." (totally joking, but saying they do sometimes get you up right away.) I apologized for asking her the same question so many times, it was like twilight or something for me. But she said I came out of it just fine, when I got in recovery I was all like "HI!" Turns out the Lord really does watch over us from start to finish (duh) - I had a Christian nurse in the recovery room and we had some good conversation and she said she would be praying for me.

Ok - so blah blah blah, I am home now. I did not stay long at all after the surgery. I will say that were the IV was on my hand there is now a bump and it is sore - that would have been the inbetween stick. I think I will chalk it up to a bad stick. :)

The feelings/emotions: well, I know there is a time for everything. There was a time for life, and a time for death. It is interesting how sometimes we have to say goodbye to people who we have known for so long and they are at the end of their life..and now twice I have had to say goodbye to my babies who would have been just starting out - but, the love and hurt in our hearts are no different between the two. I had a time to be excited and worried and plan for the future - 9 months away and the inbetween. I guess it is now my time to mourn and heal. I know the Lord has a plan and is in charge of my life, and my children's lives. This time around it is easier: I was not as far along and we have Liliana. I have often said that if I did not miscarry the first time, I am not sure I would have Liliana - so I wonder, who does God have in store for us next? This time around was also harder: now I know what it is to have and to love a child of my own - so the loss cuts much deeper, well - differently. This time around is different. There are aspects that are easier to deal with, and aspects that are more difficult. Either way, I know the God is in control.

I still take comfort in music - those songs that hit home last time: Glory Baby by Watermark - Blessed By Your Name by Tree63 - and In Christ Alone by Newsboys. There are lines in those songs that bring healing to my heart and more importanly praise to our Heavenly Father.

This time, it is a song my Michael W. Smith. Talk about timing, I bought his new CD a few weeks ago and have been listening to the whole thing over and over. There is one song on there that I have thought to myself: keep this song in mind for someone who may need to hear it - I did not know, but God knew, that I would be the one...




VERSE 1
People say that time will heal
But you know, they just don't feel what you feel
Times are hard but God is so good
He's never failed you, and He said He never would
He see's your tears
He fights your fears

CHORUS

Hold on, help is on the way
He said he'd never leave you or forsake you
Stay strong
Help is on the way
He'd said he'd help you
Just reach out and take his hand

VERSE 2

He knows your heart, He lifts your head
He's always close enough to hear every word you said
When you're weak, He said He's so much more
His arm is long enough to reach you where you are
He see's your tears
He fights your fears

Amazing

I find watching Liliana grow is amazing - it is amazing to watch her curiosity just overtake her. It is amazing how much they learn in the first year! It is amazing to almost see the wheels in their brain turn as they figure things out. It is amazing that some stuff really is not taught to her - yet she does it.

I am so thankful to have been a part of God's miracle. It is just awesome to think about how God forms us...and to have been able to be a part of this process is a blessing!

Body after Baby

I am not going to talk about the physical part of my body - we just do not need to go down that road. We just don't.

I am talking about the inside body - the workings of the inside. I could talk about my heart and get all mushy, but I am not taking that route either.

I am talking about the inside body - from poop to pains to peeing.

Speaking of going pee - do you know they asked me to go pee while I was delivering Liliana!? How absurd is that? I told them I could not go. Evan said "if you're embarrassed, we'll all turn around." I kid you not - as soon as those words came out of his mouth, every body in the room turned around...even the doctor. No questions asked. No waiting for my answer. They just turned around like Evan held the highest authority in the room. Now come on, really - let's just think this through...I am giving birth, everything is out in the open - why would going pee embarrass me at this very moment? (Do not get me wrong, I appreciated the gesture and concern...but really) Needless to say, I did not pee at that time - or for some time after. About an hour after Liliana was born I sat on the toilet with the nurse standing next to me and I had to pee so bad, but my body was not hearing of it. I could not physically go pee. The nurse had to straight cath me until I could urinate on my own. Liliana was born at 6:30pm, I did not pee until 10:30pm. As I started to pee, again with the nurse standing next to me, I said "I feel like a big girl going pee on the potty!" We laughed. I peed.

It was not long after I got home that I did not feel right - down there. There was pressure when I stood up and it made me just want to cross my legs or sit down. Turns out my uterus was falling out - no kidding. I mean, it was not hanging out bad...but it was falling out. Today, my uterus is "in place" - so some ultrasound shows. I am not 100% convinced it is. However better, much better...still some small issues here and there.

Unexplainable pain. I have had ultrasounds done for this pain in my abdomen - everything is fine. I have been sent to the General Surgeon for a possible hernia - that was a no go. But be sure to note that he was going to have me come back in six weeks to re-check it and then he might do the hernia surgery anyway because there really is no good test to tell if there is a hernia or not. It is up to his discretion when he pokes and prods me and then maybe do the exploratory surgery. Money sucker. Needless to say, I have not gone back to him. The pain is less - but still there.

Pooping - ode to pooping, when you finally poop. Before I got pregnant, overall, I had no issues going poop. Then I got pregnant and it changed that part of my system. Dog gone it. There just isn't anything like taking a good poop. During my pregnancy I would get a wave of nausea - clearly different from morning (all day) sickness - and then I could poop. Strange, strange, strange. I figured that once my peanut was born, all would be good in the land of pooping - oh not so. Thankfully this does not happen ALL the time, but it happens enough...I will get very hot and sweaty and feel nauseous and just over-all really sick about 10 minutes before I poop. Ridiculous and unheard of!

I was told my body would still be changing/returning to "normal" (if there is such a thing after baby) for 9 months after delivery. Well, it is 11 months and some things are not back to what is "my normal"...

Liliana - 11 months
Havin' fun in Nana's backyard!

Liliana - 11 months
(moved to our front yard!)
There is grass stuck to my finger! :)

Biased, I know...but...cute cute cute!

A bird flew by and then up in the sky and she almost fell over looking at it!

...but...I guess, ok ok - I know Liliana is worth it all!

What do you see?

I think this is my new favorite songs.

What do you see? What do you see when you close your eyes and think of Yahweh?

I close my eyes and I see my God stooped down, arms stretched wide, a smile from ear to ear on His face, calling me to Himself, calling me by name. I see me, running towards Him. When I get to Him, He wraps His arms around me and holds onto me, even picks me up. Just like an earthly parent to their child. You know - when the baby starts to crawl or walk and you get down to their level and show all this excitement, calling them towards you. And when they get there, you embrace them and hug them and praise them and you are so happy they are there - they came to you, they are in your arms. I imagine that to be my God. So excited to have me run to Him. So happy to take care of me. So happy I chose Him. I think of being that child who got to their mom or dad and how safe they feel in their arms. I wonder why I am not always quick to run to my Father's arms.

I see His arms stretched out and nailed to the cross, it is my sin that held Him there. I see his head hung because He died for me. He died to pay the price I should be paying. He died so that I could spend eternity with Him in Heaven - the most glorious place with my glorious God.
I see an example set for me to follow; He even left me a love letter with instructions and encouragement.
I see a loving Father.
I see Him weeping when I turn away from Him.
I see Him pleading my case to His Father; telling His Father that He took my place and I am washed clean now, washed by the blood shed from His body.
I see Him watching over me.
I see a jealous God.
I see a just God.
I see Him smiling when I please Him.
I see Him raising the sun by just pointing His finger at it.
Tonight, I see my God bowling. :) When I was little and it would thunder and lighting my mom would tell me the thunder is just God bowling in Heaven.

What I see, makes me smile. It makes me love Him even more. It makes me want to strive to serve Him and glorify Him with all that I am, the best I can. It makes me want to spend time with Him.

What do you see? Just sitting for 5 minutes thinking of what you see - it could strengthen your relationship with Him. It could prepare you for a quiet time with Him. It could just change your whole attitude if you were previously completely ticked off because you might not be able to finish your child's scrapbook because of a stupid reason - in fact, I am telling you it CAN change your attitude! :)

...His banner for us is love. That is taken from Song of Solomon 2:4. He is proclaiming His love for us. How awesome!

I need to be more diligent about spending time in the Word...I think I will start my quiet times off with this song. It prepares me to seek Him - it reminds me how much my God loves me. He sings to me. He prays for me. Those are just awesome thoughts for me.

What do you see?

Jumbleness of Things

I have nothing to really say, nothing important or really worth while - but I figured I would post anyway.

Today at work was fun. Yes, I said that. When I first got up this morning (as most Friday's) I just wanted to go back to sleep and wished for 5pm for the weekend to start. I was so out of it that I did not want to do one thing this weekend. I wake up on Friday's at 6am and leave out the door with Liliana by 6:30am, not a minute later. (OH, I should tell you about my morning yesterday) Anyway...there was just a very fun, easy-going, light hearted mood today. I will not say why I think that is. I got to organize! Yeah, yeah...I am pretty lame. I got to drill some holes in the wall and hang up this contraption that helped organize the front desk - even though I sit there rarely, it looks much better. I am probably in trouble though because my boss asked me to do something and I honestly could not do it. It was to list out the things that are done at check out...I could not, i cannot do it. I can do the job, quite well...I think...but I cannot list the stuff out. I just do it. Strange. We had a rep bring us lunch today - Olive Garden. I had so much food and a huge piece of this chocolate thing for dessert and I probably could have had more! I was like a bottomless pit today.

Then tonight, I went out shopping. I went to Office Depot - I tried the other night but they close at 8pm now...dumb. I wanted to get some lamenating sheets and I did get them and I also go some cool envelopes, an eye glass repair kit (which I promptly used when I got home), and some pens. I am a pen phene. I like to write and I have certain pens I like to write with...blah blah blah.

Ok - on to the exciting part for me...sounds lame though. I have a notebook "Letters to Liliana" - I write letters to Liliana in there, duh. There have been some little things and pictures and such that I want to lamenate right onto the page...so I finally got to do that tonight. And then I wrote her a letter with one of my new pens...oh my goodness it is a nice pen. You know Papermate has Flair pens...and they are nice. Well, now I consider them alright. They have NEW Flair pens...Flair Expressions and they are not suppose to bleed through your paper. Man, are they nice!!!

ok - my morning travel yesterday. I ended up being half an hour late to work because of this - so mad. Let's just call the streets A, B, and C. (These are the main roads of which I do not want to name on the WWW) I started down A to get to B...the same route. I saw that A was backed up and knew it would be a long time before I got to B. I decided to go to C. This is not out of my way...just more side streets. I took a round about way to get to C because, well...it was round about. I FINALLY get to C and I am seconds away from B - my actual road destination - when I see that the ramp is CLOSED. I had to detour all the way BACK to A. I wanted to cry and I think if I would not have gotten into trouble and did not have a conscience...I would have called in and gone home. So I started the detour back, ended up waiting in traffic because of commuter trains and then finally ended up on B - off of the road I started on that I got off of to begin with.

Wait, to top it off - I was telling a co-worker this story and she said I could have turned left on C (instead of turning right and following the detour all the way back to A) and gotten onto B from there. But, I did not feel too bad about that because I could not have done that the way the roads worked...it just put me on the detour path. That was so dumb.

I guess I am going to bed now. Oh, I got to sleep in bed last night! I went back in the room for something and realized the dripping was not going on and so I hopped into bed and fell right to sleep! Anyway, I am tired and we have a busy weekend, sort of...busy compared to doing nothing as the norm...and my lovely husband is telling me that I am being mean to him when he is the one being mean to me - go figure.

Drip drip drip drip drip drip

Monotonous...defined as the following: 1 - lacking in variety; tediously unvarying. 2 - characterizing a sound continuing on one note. 3 - having very little inflection; limited to a narrow pitch range.

A few weeks ago Evan and I had an argument over something and then we went to bed and in the morning he found me sleeping on the couch. He asked me why I slept there and I told him it was because the air conditioner was making this noise and I could not sleep. He then says; "are you sure it isn't because you were mad at me?" WHAT DID I JUST SAY? The conversation has nothing to do with my post - it is just another thing that guys do...or do not do - listen.

Anyway - a few days later it was happening again. I turned off the air conditioner thinking (oh, we have window units) the unit was frozen or something...which has happened before. I still heard this noise. Now I did not know what was going on. Later that night Evan was looking out the window over the unit and told me it was water dripping on it. I said, it cannot be water. Yes, it was raining while he was looking out there. He tells me it is because he is watching it splash on there. And I then asked how come it makes that noise when it is not raining. So we started to brainstorm and I realized that the people who moved in upstairs put in new air conditioner units and they must have put one in the same window we have our unit, but obviously on their floor - above ours. Now it was dripping onto our unit.

Some time passed and it was no big deal. Until last night. I was like a person on TV. I was tossing and turning. I was putting the pillow over my head. I stuffed kleenex in one ear thinking that would dull the drip, drip drip, drip, drip, drip drip drip, dripping. No luck. Off to the couch I went, all bed items in tow.

Evan asked me earlier if I was sleeping on the couch tonight, I said it all depends on the dripping. I cannot handle monotonous noises, they just drive me nuts. I just cannot tolerate it. I do not know what it is about them or even out to describe how it makes me feel - needless to say, as I was changing for bed I realized the couch will be my friend tonight too.

My dear husband has offered to try to put some foam or wood on the outside to try to stop or dull the noise or undo ALL of his work that he put into putting in the unit...insulating it, cutting board to fit all around it, doing some other stuff I know nothing about, caulking it, and painting the wood white so it will look nice to move the unit to the other window. What a nice guy!

And the other annoying thing - before we left on vacation we heard this beep from the hallway every 3 minutes or so....obviously the people upstairs need to change a battery in something. We come back and not 2 minutes after walking in the door...BEEP. A WHOLE WEEK, now it will be 2 weeks later and nothing has been done about this beeping thing.

I better go to sleep now - before I hear more monotonous noises pop up.